We need new jokes desperately, please send whatever you think is funny to sergio@wbcd.net
Thanks.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman hoping that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued
the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and people have sued
McDonalds for making them fat." The lawyer says, "Yes that's true". The
man says, "Well I'm interested in suing too".

The lawyer says, "OK, McDonalds or the tobacco companies?" The man
says, "Neither. I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept
with."

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave!
How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did She know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 Letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked a real Bitch tonight, Dave."

(thanks Michael)

Sean Hannigan, a good Irishman and the father of 5 sons, is  at the bedside of his wife, Molly, at the birth of their sixth child.  When the child is delivered,, Sean leans over and says, "Molly, sure and I'll luv ya forever, but this child does not look like the others, so tell me true, is the child mine?" Molly says, "Aye Sean, the child is yours."  Several years pass, and the family is walking to church on Sunday, when Sean says ,  "Molly,  sure and I'll luv ya forever, but the last child doesn't even walk like the others, are you sure the child is mine?" "Aye Sean, the child is yours."  Years later, Molly is on her death bed when Sean says to her,  "Molly, sure and I'll luv ya forever, but soon you'll be meetin' your maker, so tell me true, is the last child mine?"  Molly looks at him and says, "You say I'll be meetin' my maker?"  "Aye," says Sean.  Molly says, "OK Sean, then I'll tell you true. The last child is yours, the first 5 aren't!"
(thanks Missy O'Malia)


Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."

An Englishman was sitting with a Frenchman and an Aussie in
some strict Middle Eastern country, sharing an illicit
smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, the police
smash the door down and arrest them. They are initially
sentenced to life imprisonment but, as it is a national
holiday, the Sheikh decides they should be released after
receiving 20 lashes of the whip.
As they are preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh
suddenly says: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she
has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your
whipping."
So the Aussie thinks for a while and then says "Good one,
mate - you can tie a pillow to my back, thanks!"
This is done, but the pillow only lasts 10 lashes before the
whip goes through.
The Frenchman, watching the scene, says (outrageous French
accent): "Ah Monsieur, I weel also have ze pillow, but I weel
have TWO, merci!".
But even two pillows can only take 15 lashes before the whip
goes through again.
Before the Englishman can say anything, the Sheikh turns to
him and says:
"As you are from a popular country, and your rugby team are
terrific, and your women beautiful, you may have two wishes!".
"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Englishman
replies.
"My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes instead of
20...!!"
"If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look
on his face, "and your second wish?"
"Tie the Frenchman to my back!"

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being
told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to
purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was
so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead
and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the
local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he enter it in
the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to
get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted the following
headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten
dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.OO
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to
buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could
run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS
WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.

The Royal Wedding Night...

On the evening of the Royal wedding, Sophie was becoming
somewhat uncomfortable in her regal attire: Unfortunately,
the shoes she had worn that day were a bit too small and, by
the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in
agony.

When Sophie and Edward withdrew to their bridal suite, the
only thing she could think of was getting her ill-fitting
shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the
bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts,
straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you Sophie was a
virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now
for the other one."

This was followed by even more grunting and straining and at
last Edward exclaimed, "My God! That was even tighter!"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a
sailor!"

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says : "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says : "I'll miss you."
(thanks osmar engel macedo)



A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull screws the cow once a year?

The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?

The Farmer: Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?

The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British

Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid
a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

A Fable...

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as
long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year
to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he
would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's
end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess,
the priests, the prostitutes, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke
with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many
people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know the
answer.
The price would be high, however, as the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to
accept her price first: she wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend. Young Arthur was
horrified as the witch was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth,
smelled
like sewage, made obscene noises...etc. (essentially, she behaved like a
pipeliner).

He had never encountered such a repugnant creature and he refused to
force his friend to marry her and endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him
that no sacrifice was too high compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed,
and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and
that Arthur's life would be spared. And it was so. The neighboring
monarch granted Arthur total freedom and Gawain and the witch had a splendid
wedding.

Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as
always, gentle and courteous.

The old witch put her worst manners on display and made everyone very
uncomfortable. The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling
himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight
awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The
astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that
since he had been so kind to her when she'd Appeared as a witch, she would
henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half the time, and the
other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the
night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament: during the
day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends but, at night in the
privacy of his home, a hideous witch? Or vice-a-versa.

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've made
your own choice..

Be careful, this is an important decision with life long
ramifications...

Noble Gawain replied "he would let her choose for herself ".

Upon hearing this, the witch announced she would be beautiful all the
time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her
own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is simply: If a woman doesn't get her way, Things ARE going
to get UGLY.

A priest in a small village was fed-up with his congregation coming to confession and confessing that they had an “Affair”. One Sunday during his service he made a deal with his congregation that from now on any one who attends confession to confess that they had an “Affair” must refer to it as “Fallen Over”. The congregation agreed the Priest was happy and life went on happily in the village. Some months had past and a new young Priest was assigned to the Village Church. He was very disturbed with what the congregation were experiencing in the Village by “Falling Over” so many times. One day he met the Mayor of the Village and he requested that the Mayor study the conditions of the streets and pavements quite seriously. “Why” asked the Mayor, the young Priest replied, “Because there are so many people falling down in the village”….the Mayor realised the pact between the Priest and the congregation and some months before and laughed at the young priest. ”Don’t worry about it” said the Mayor……The young Priest replied “You should worry about it….Your wife fell over three times last week”…..
(thanks Karl D'Mello)



THE FAHRENHEIT TEMPERATURE SCALE FOR GEORDIES
40 Degrees: Southerners shiver uncontrollably. People in Newcastle
sunbathe.
30 Degrees: Southern cars will not start. People in Newcastle drive with
the windows down.
20 Degrees: Southerners wear coats, gloves and woollen hats. People in
Newcastle throw on a T-shirt or mini skirt (especially in Bigg Market on
Sat'dee neet!).
15 Degrees: Southerners begin to evacuate. People in Newcastle swim in the
North Sea.
Zero Degrees: Southern landlords turn up the heat. People in Newcastle
have their last barbecue before it gets cold.
Minus 10: Southerners cease to exist. People in Newcastle throw on a
lightweight jacket.
Minus 80: Polar bears wonder if it's worth it. Boy scouts in Newcastle don
long trousers.
Minus 297: Microbial life starts to disappear. The cows on Newcastle Town
Moor complain of vets with cold hands.
Minus 460: All atomic motion stops. People in Newcastle start to stamp
their feet and blow on their hands.
Minus 500: Hell freezes over. Sunderland qualify for Europe.



On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog
and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town
with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's
new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a
length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear
bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,
with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between
the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his 'thing' and he would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!!!

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed closely by a second long black hearse.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a lead
& behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen
a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied: "Well, that first hearse is my wife."

"What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further: "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered: "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"
(thanks `Vidette Ryan)

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's
an accident.

Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be
tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."

"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"
Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"

"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.
"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the
beer vat and drowned!"

"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he
couldn't swim a lick!"

"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it'd be a
lie. He got out three times ta pee!"


There's a magician on a cruise ship in the Caribbean and because there are new clientele regularly, he doesn't bother to learn any new tricks.
Well the captain has a parrot that from his perch studies the tricks and after some weeks begins to suss out how he does them.
The parrot eventually starts haranguing the magician with statements like, 'that's a different hat', and ‘the flowers are under the table'
or 'how come all the cards are the ace of spades?'
The magician hates the parrot with a vengeance but can't do anything as it's the captain's and, he doesn't want to lose his job.
One day the ship sinks, the magician, and the parrot find themselves on a bit of wood floating on the sea. They eye each other icily and totally blank each other.
After a week the parrot says, 'O.K. I give up. Where's the boat?'
(thanks Silvia Uliana)


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand, and he is stumbling
back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help
you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssombody stole my car," the man replies. The cop asks,
"Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss at the end of
thiss
key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the
man's weeney is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He
asks
the man "Sir,are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch
and,without missing a beat, blurts out ----

"SON OF A BITCH --- THEY GOT MY GIRLFRIEND, TOO!!!!
(thanks Mark Michaelis)


Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Sean."

Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his
head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and
takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down,
and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door
and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."
But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it
to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?

"Sean says, "I did Mary. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called," she says. "You left your wheelchair at the pub."

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that it was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman

Meanwhile, back in the Oval Office.

Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
Bush: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
Bush: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
Bush: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
Bush: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
Bush: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
Bush: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
Bush: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Bush: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
Bush: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of
milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
Bush: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
Bush: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
Bush: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: And stay out of the Middle East!Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars.Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
Bush: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.
Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.
Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?



Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking, fucking assholes



Lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem, I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. What do they say? the priest inquired.
They say, Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?
That's obscene! the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment....
You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your
two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage With Francis
and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying....that phrase...in no time.
Thank you the woman responded, they may very well be the solution.
The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage
holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed
her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're
prostitutes, do you want to have some fun?
There was stunned silence. finally, one male parrot looked at the other
male parrot and exclaimed,
Put the f*cking beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of the plane.
The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then
shuddered quite violently in her seat.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes passed. The woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in her seat.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.
Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered
violently.
The man had finally had all he could handle.
He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times,
you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose, then shuddered violently!
Are you all right?"
The woman replied, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare
condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious
and said,
"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there
lived
a blind little bunny and a blind little snake. One
day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and
the
snake was slithering through the forest, when the
bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I
didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth,
so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't
even
know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my
story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been
blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could
kinda
slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at
least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
"Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really
long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft
cottony tail. I'd say you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in
obvious
excitement. The bunny thought for a moment, then
suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with
my paw and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a
forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must
be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly
someone in upper management."

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to
visit the North East coast near Seaburn on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Pope-mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an
enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it
was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf,
a hapless man wearing a Sunderland football jersey, struggling frantically
to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Newcastle Football
tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men
took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it
instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Makem from the water
and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speed boat along
with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he
summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the Rescue
and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that
there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Newcastle and
Sunderland, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can
see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony
and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the
harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was
his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all
God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; and
it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left,but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a
sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and
drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap
back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for
the police..."



It was the first day of school and a new student
named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade in
America.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said,
"Give me liberty, or give me death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for
Suzuki.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from this earth?'" Again, no response except from
Suzuki.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up.
"Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna
puke." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said,
"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice,
"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
and Suzuki said,
"Arthur Andersen, 2002."

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the
All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
Hey, Doc, I don't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu.
The Doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed
Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was testicular
removal.
"No way Doc," replied Wiremu "Im gitting a second opinion, eh !"
The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and advised him that
testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devestated but with only hours to go before the All
Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one
last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate sucknuss,ey".

"What's the cure then ey, doc ?" asked Wiremu, hoping for
a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu," said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna have to
cut off your balls."

"Phew, thank god for that!" said Wiremu, "those Pommy
bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, has never seen anything like that before. He orders some tests and tells the man to return in about two days, for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!" The doctors replies, "Well it's up to you. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his dick and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lale disease." The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis! "
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctol! Amellican doctol, always want to opulate. Make moh money, that way. No need to to opulate!"
"Oh thanks God!" the man replies.
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor,
"You no worry! Wait two week. Dick fall off by itself!"



A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.

Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, nonhurriedly, across the
market. Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," she says, "divorce attorney."

The President of Budweiser, the President of Coors, the President of Rolling Rock, and the
President of Guinness are at a beer convention. One night, after the convention, they go out to a bar. The waitress comes up to take their order:
The President of Budweiser says: "I’d like the King of Beers! Give me a Budweiser!"
The President of Coors says: "Tap the Rockies! Bring me a Coors!"
The President of Rolling rock then spouts out his corporate motto and asks for a Rolling Rock.
And the President of Guinness asks for a Coke.
The three beer men throw him an odd and confused look, to which he responds:
"Well, if you gys aren’t going to drink any beer...then neither am I!"

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem" "What's the matter?" replies
Paddy "Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy "It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies. Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy,
Oi'll come over and have a look." He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for
coming Paddy" He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. Paddy looks at
the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."

There were two men who went into a company to apply for the same job in a factory in Dublin, Ireland. One was
an Irishman and the other was an Irish-American. The supervisor said, "I'm going to give both of you a test".
Whoever gets the best score on the test will get the job. The two men went off to another room to take the test.
The supervisor collected the tests when each man finished. He went over them then called the men into his
office one at a time. When he talked to the native Irishman he said, "I'm afraid I had to give the job to the Yank".
The native Irishman replied, "I can't believe it". "I'm from this country". "I should have the best chance". "What
makes him have a better chance"? The supervisor explained, "Well, on question #28 the Yank wrote down, "I
don't know", and you wrote down on your test, "I don't know either"!

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole.
He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking
for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside
him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex
life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same
course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.
When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine,
and might I ask how's your golf game?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might
I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he
replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
15 - One to hold the bulb and 14 to drink enough Guinness to make the room spin

An irish man walked in through the front door of a bar and stumbled up to the bar, drunk. 'I'll have a beer he
says' and the bar man said 'sorry, you look like you've had to much to drink' so the Irish man walked out. 10
minutes later the same Irish man stumbled in through the side door and walked to the bar and said 'i'll have
beer please', the same bartender as earlier said 'you've had too much to drink. 10 Minuites later the same Irish
man walked throught the back enterance of the bar and said' can i have a beer please?' Yet again the bar
tender said 'no, your drunk.' Then the Irish man said 'How many bars do you work at?'

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course,"
comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course,"
replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in
Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks,
"What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable,"
the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the
bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

A Scots tale - well they really are Irish, right?
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive
red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.
The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and,
despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a
tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion,
golden hair... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens
the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!"
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the
roadside this doesn't take him long.
"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw,
has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has
collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again!" says the Highlander.
"I can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.
"All right laddie." he says, "NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of
Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints,
andwere stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly
out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of
his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He
walked over to the irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy." "Oh
really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was
a sissy and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second English man
walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I
didn't know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "Your right, he
is unshakable!" The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The English
man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an English
man!" "Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Q. What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
A. Gaelic breath.

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual
relations to arrive?

Tim O'Cartny took his car to the mechanic, who told him he needed a new muffler. Tim went straight home and
asked his wife to knit him one.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them
in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the
front door, glance around and duck inside.
"Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin'
such places?"
A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe
that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the
example clergymen set for them."
After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity,"
the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

When Jock visited London for his holidays, he stayed at a big hotel.However, he didn't feel that the natives
were very friendly. "At threeo'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bed-room door,
on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimesthey hammered so loudly I couldna hear myself play the
bagpipes."

IN THE BEGINNING, The Lord Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to the Archangel Gabriel, and said,
"Gabe, I'mgoing to create Scotland today. I will make it a country of dark,beautiful mountains, purple glens and
rich green forests. I willgive it clear, swiftly flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon and trout. The land will be
lush and fertile, on which the peoplewill grow barley to brew into amber nectar that will be much in demand the
world over. Underneath the land I shall place richseams of coal. In the waters around the shores there will be
anabundance of fish and beneath the seabed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas...""Excuse me Sire",
interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't youthink you are being a bit too generous to these Scots?""Think
so?" asked the Lord, "Wait till you see the neighbours..."

All the nuns from a convent which had mysteriously burned to the ground were driving by bus to the new
convent. It was a dark andstormy night and as they bumped along a narrow, rutted dirt track,the engine cut
out.Suddenly there was a lightning flash and in front of them appeared Auld Nick, the Lord of Hell himself.
Horrified, the Mother Superior urged the young nun who was driving, "Quick! Show him your cross!"Without
hesitation, Sister Maggie got out of the bus, fixed her eye on Auld Nick's evil countenance and jabbing her
finger aggressively at him, screeched, "GET OOT O' MA WEY, YA WEE NYAFF!"

MacTavish called on his lawyer to draw up his will."To ma son, Angus, I leave £10,000. To ma son, Wullie, I
leave £10,000. To ma son, Jock...""Just a minute," said the lawyer, "where's this money coming from?""Let
them work for it!" shouted MacTavish. "I had to!"

Forecasters were puzzled recently when the entire populationof Glasgow ran out onto the streets with glass in
hand after anannouncement that there was a nip in the air.

A curious lady asked Jock if there was anything worn under his kilt."No, madam," he replied. "Everything is in
perfect working order!"

MacTavish and a minister were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you
something?" she askedMacTavish. "Aye, a whusky" he replied.She poured him a drink then asked the
preacher if he'd like one."Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to
America than drink whisky!"MacTavish hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didnaken there wuz a
choice!"

Most Irishmen have alcoholic constipation - they can't pass a pub.

An English politician was giving a speech in Wales. "I was born an Englishman, I have been an Englishman all
my life, and I will die an Englishman!" he declared. "What's wrong, man," exclaimed a voice from the crowd,
"Have you no ambition?"

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him
and approaches,"Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then
asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!"

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same
emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on
the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what
happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian
and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet
and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the
American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for
his."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman...were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their
wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £100
worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out
and spent £7,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods
sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by
every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles.
"Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oi watched her packing her bag and she must have put about
100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

15 crash survivors manage to make it to a small deserted island. The survivors are:
* 3 Italians (two men and a woman)
* 3 French (two men and a woman)
* 3 Germans (two men and a woman)
* 3 Greeks (two men and a woman)
* 3 Brits (two men and a woman)

Six months later....
* One Italian man had killed the other, and was living with the woman.
* The French had a delightful menage a trois.
* The Germans had a system of strict rotation. Hans on odd days, Franz on even.
* The Greek men were living together and had the woman doing the housework.
* And the Brits were still waiting to be introduced to each other.

A sign over a Irish urinal reads "Please don't eat the big white mints...

Okay, there's this guy that's just come to Toronto from Scotland. One of his friends ask him if he wants to go to
a Blue Jays game. The Scottish guy says okay. So they come up to the baseball field. The game starts and
the first guy who walks up to the plate hits it right down the 3rd baseline. Everyone stands up and yells "RUN,
RUN RUN!"
The second guy steps up and hits it down the 1st baseline. Everyone stands up and yells "RUN, RUN, RUN!"
So the Scottish guy stands up and yells"RRRRRRRRRRUN YOU BLOODY FOOL RUN!" (It's meant to sound
like a Scots manrolling their R's)
The third guy walks up and hits a base hit into the field."RRRRRRRRRRUN YOU BLOODY FOOL
RRRRRRRRRRUN!" says the Scottish guy witheveryone else. The fourth guy steps up and gets a pitch. Ball 1,
another Ball 2, another Ball 3 and one more for Ball 4. So the guy starts walking to first base.
The Scottish guy stands up and yells "RRRRRRRRRRRRRUN YOU BLOODY FOOL RUN" He turns to his friend,
"How come no one stood up and yelled run" He says, "The guy has four balls. " So the Scottish guy stands up
and yells "WELL WALK WITH PRIDE MY MAN, WALK WITH PRIDE.

Patrick, after just moving to Kilburn in North West London, decides to find himself a Local Pub. He eventually
finds one he likes and approaches the Bar Man.Patrick, with his thick Irish Accent says; "Three pints
O'Guinness...Please!"The barman pours the three pints of guinness. Patrick finds a quiet spot, drinks his three
pints and leaves.This trend continues every day for about two weeks when the barman one night suggests that
Patrick should buy one pint at a time so that the Guinness is fresher each time. Patrick said; "Sure the reason I
buy three at a time is 'cause many years ago my older brother moved to New York and my younger brother
moved to Austrilia and I moved here...and we agreed that if we ever went to the Pub we would always have a
drink for each other".The barman and the locals thought this was a lovely story and Patrick became popular in
the Pub.A couple of weeks later, Patrick turned up in the bar and ordered two pints of Guinness. The barman
was shocked and said to Patrick; "God I'm terribly sorry...". Patrick said "Sorry about what?.". The barman said
"Well... has one of your brothers died?."Patrick says; "Don't be stupid...I only ordered two 'cause I'm off the
beer for Lent."

How do you get an Irishman to climb on to the roof of a pub?
Tell him the drinks are on the house!

Why can't you get ice in your drinks in Ireland?
The guy with the recipe emigrated!

Q. Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A. The sheep can hear zippers!

Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
A. The Stones sing, "Hey you get off of my cloud" while a Scotsman says"Hey McCloud... Get off of me ewe!"